How being ‘nicely curious’ can combat anxiety

I subscribe to a daily email from the Random Acts of Kindness foundation, and it’s always a joy to open and see what today’s ‘Daily Dose of Kindness’ is. Today’s kindness tip was ‘Encourage Curiosity’ and it’s got me thinking about just how transformational curiosity can be.

When I was training to be a hypnotherapist, I remember our lecturer advising us to be ‘nicely curious’ in the therapy room. In Solution Focused therapy, this doesn’t mean being curious about what’s happened in the past, or whether your client has achieved what they set out to achieve last week, but rather to be nicely curious about how they might move forward positively towards their preferred future.

As is the way with these things, I’d heard that phrase about being ‘nicely curious’ over and over again, but hadn’t fully understood it, until one day I was genuinely ‘nicely curious’ about a client’s plans. Then, as if by magic, the session began to flow much more smoothly. That shift into fully understanding the power of curiosity made me a much better therapist.

And it’s the same for my clients, too. Many stressed or anxious clients report that their relationships are suffering as a result of the pressure they’re experiencing. They’ll often say that they want their relationships to improve, and are hoping that their partner’s behaviour will spontaneously change so that their interactions become easier. Of course, that’s not how it works.

I ask these clients what it would look like if their relationship was more fulfilling, and they’ll usually say that they’d be communicating better with their partner. When I ask what communicating better looks like, we get to the core of the issue. More often than not, it’s about actually listening to what our partner has to say and being genuinely interested in whatever they’re saying. Being nicely curious about how our partner’s day has gone is going to produce a much more satisfactory conversation than not listening to their response and simply saying something like, ‘That’s nice.’ Having a genuine curiosity about what makes your partner tick is the first step in improving your relationship and reducing any associated anxiety caused by friction with your nearest and dearest.

The primitive mind, the seat of our inner fight-flight system, does not like uncertainty. If we’re not sure about something then the primitive mind runs riot and comes up with all kinds of negative possibilities. It will usually catastrophise and present you with the worst possible scenario. Knowing more about what to expect takes away the mystery and so reduces anxiety caused by the uncertainty.

If you’re anxious about an upcoming event or activity that you’re not familiar with, being nicely curious can help to take the fear away. These days, you can use Google or YouTube anything to find out about any topic under the sun. That could be anything from how to book an Uber taxi to what happens during an MRI scan. Finding out more about these subjects takes the guesswork out of the equation. Knowledge reduces the fear.

If you’ve got a job interview somewhere unfamiliar to you, Google Street View can show you what it looks like from the outside and also the surrounding area. You can find out about the company’s background by searching online and, if you know who’s interviewing you, chances are you can find out something about them from their social media presence or on LinkedIn. Being confident about where you’re going and knowing a bit about the company or your interviewer, is likely to reduce your apprehension.

Being curious can even help reduce the anxiety of possible threats. If you’re not sure whether an email is genuine, being curious and Googling the email title will often reveal warnings if it’s a scam. This has happened to me numerous times recently where I’ve received emails and direct messages, supposedly from Facebook, telling me that I’m in violation of one of their policies and my Business Page is about to be closed down, unless I click on this link…  A quick Google search has revealed that each of these has been a scam designed to infect my computer with a virus if I follow the instructions in the message.

Now that’s not to say that I won’t get a genuine message from Facebook about closing down my page due to a policy violation (it’s not always obvious what their policies are, so it’s easy to fall foul of their standards), but if that did happen, being curious about how to appeal will be much more beneficial than getting anxious or angry about it.

Being nicely curious means you can arm yourself with knowledge and so reduce any uncertainty. Knowing ‘how, what, when, where and why’ gives you the power to combat the fear of the unknown. Curiosity puts you in the driving seat. You’re not a passive recipient of whatever negative emotions bubble up from your primitive mind. By taking control, and finding out ways to overcome a perceived threat, you can de-arouse those emotions.

And if everything feels overwhelming and you can’t see a way out of your current situation, getting into the habit of being curious about everyday things can be a great way of calming down an anxious mind. If you’re wondering, ‘How does Sellotape actually work?’ or ‘Why does soap take the grease off dirty dishes?’, you can’t be focusing on the negative thoughts that lead to anxiety.

So, if you’re feeling anxious, for whatever reason, try switching on your ‘curiosity chip’. You might be surprised at the results.