How to cope with difficult people

Have you ever been surprised when you’re speaking with someone and realise that they have a completely different viewpoint on a subject from your own? I come across this in the therapy room all the time. Clients come from all types of backgrounds and have all kinds of life experiences, so their response to situations can be very different from how I would react. They may have different beliefs and values to my own.

It’s not a problem, of course. As a therapist I realise there’s no ‘right way’ to deal with any situation, it’s whatever works for you, with the skills, knowledge and inner resources you have at the time. It’s not my job to convert clients to my way of doing things, or my beliefs or values. It’s my job to help them adapt their responses to situations, so they minimise the risk of becoming anxious.

One of the common causes of anxiety is other people’s behaviour. It may be the client’s partner, boss, neighbour, friend, child, parent or sibling. Or anyone that the client comes into contact with regularly.

It may be that the ‘difficult person’ is incredibly negative all the time, they may be overbearing or coercive in some way, perhaps they’re argumentative or constantly irritable. Maybe they talk too much or not enough, or perhaps they’re selfish or always want their own way. Maybe they’re a workaholic or a couch potato.

And when I ask client’s what would make things better for them, they invariably say that the other person would change their behaviour.

Now that’s like saying, ‘The sun would be shining.’ We have no more control over other people’s behaviour than we do over the weather. But we do have control over how we react. If it’s cold we dress up warmly, if it’s raining we take an umbrella, if it’s warm we wear a T-shirt. And, in the same way that we can react differently to different weather conditions, we can learn to adapt our responses to unhelpful behaviour from others.

Here are a few tips for dealing with people whose behaviour you find difficult:

1. Limit your exposure

This is about restricting the time you spend interacting with the other person. This may not always be possible if the other person lives with you or works alongside you. But, if you don’t live or work with them, you have control over how much time you spend in their company, whether that’s in person, on social media or on the phone. I regularly have clients who decide to spend less time with people who bring them down. They don’t want to exclude a long-term friend from their lives completely, but they choose to meet less frequently. And if it’s someone like an elderly parent that they’re in the habit of ringing daily, they cut down the length of the phone call. Occasionally it might be appropriate to exclude the other person from your life completely, and that’s fine. You can give yourself permission to walk away from those who don’t have your best interests at heart.

2. Disconnect your button

Sometimes, when people get under your skin, they only have to breathe in your presence and your hackles rise. The other person may or may not be aware that their behaviour is impacting on you. At other times, people are fully aware that they’re winding you up and deliberately press your button to provoke a response. The trick here is to disconnect the button. Stop replaying all the times they’ve said something hurtful or critical, and more importantly, stop rehearsing your usual response. Maybe you bite back and the conversation escalates until you become really upset. So, instead of rerunning the usual course of the exchange in your head, instead start thinking about how you would prefer to respond. Maybe you just want to ignore them and let their comments go over your head. Perhaps you want to have a civilised talk with them about their behaviour. Maybe you want to reply in a different way that takes them off guard. It doesn’t matter which option you choose, just remember that although you can’t control their behaviour, you can absolutely control how you respond.

3. Name the game

Of course, it’s entirely possible that the other person is totally unaware of the impact their behaviour is having on you. This is especially true if you’ve been responding stoically and appearing to take things in your stride. So, it’s always worth drawing their attention to their behaviour in a non-confrontational way. And there’s a knack to that. Instead of saying, ‘You make me feel …..’, it’s more helpful to say something like, ‘When you do … I feel ...’ The choice of ‘I feel’ over ‘you make me feel’ makes a huge difference in avoiding hostility. It minimises the risk of the other person getting defensive and the conversation escalating into a row. I’ve seen huge shifts in people’s relationships when the client adopts this approach with the person who’s been giving them grief.

Finally, it’s important to remember that you have no control over how the other person behaves. You can only control how you respond. But by exercising that control and shifting your response, you can make a huge impact on the quality of your relationship.

Healthy, mutually respectful relationships remove a massive source of anxiety, so you can lead a calmer, more satisfying life.